Devil Hunting for Dummies
by Sakeholic Vagabond
Summary: Ever wanted to learn how to hunt devils and other supernatural beings? Dante Sparda's here to teach you in 4 easy payments of  19.95! Rated M to be on the safe side.
1. Tip Number 1: Expect To Get Impaled

Author's Note: This story is going to be one of the weirdest things I've ever written. That isn't a bad thing, but whatever. I tried to keep Dante in character as best I could, because I know I'd get more complaints than the people who are developing Devil May Cry 5. Zing! I'll be here all week, folks. But read and review. Flames will just be used to try and burn Dante to cinders, who will rise out of the flames and riddle the offender with bullets before he does a backflip off-screen. That's what badasses do, DUH.

Disclaimer: I do not own Devil May Cry. If I did, Devil May Cry 5 would be out, I'd be playing right now, you all wouldn't bitch about Dante's new look(I'm not complaining because I want to PLAY the damn game, not stare at it like a drooling moron), and I wouldn't have to fill the gaping hole in my soul by writing fan fiction.

Devil Hunting For Dummies: A guide by Dante Sparda

My name is Dante Sparda, and thank you for reading Devil Hunting for Dummies! As most of you know, I started hunting demons in Devil May Cry 3, since my games can't follow a consistent timeline to save my life. I was young, I was cool, and I had a man-bra (got to keep those puppies covered during the cold winter nights). I also looked like the emo singer of a band at one point and got put in prison (probably because those damn demons wanted to stop me from ascending to the level of a badass before I get older, but that's beside the point. Play Devil May Cry 5 when it comes out. I know I will.). For all you new Devil Hunters out there, here are some helpful tips! Before we get to all that, here's a helpful disclaimer from me because I care about all of you. Actually, I don't, I'm just getting really tired of living in the middle of nowhere and people kicking down my damn doors and living off of Domino's Pizza. I don't care how much they say their pizza has improved. A turd will always be just a turd.

Disclaimer: Dante Sparda is not your mother. As such, if you get seriously injured, die, or turn into some murderous tardbeast following this advice, he will not bring you flowers. He might, however, shoot you in the head if you turn into said tardbeast. Also, there is a high chance that Dante Sparda WILL sleep with your mother at least 1 time (more than once if she's a total MILF). Bitches love red trenchcoats.

Tip Number 1: Expect To Get Impaled A LOT.

Some people think that demon hunting is an easy job. You hunt some demons, you chill, and you eat pizza. This is not the case. If you decide to enter this profession, you're going to get sharp objects lodged through your stomach. Be it by a demon or white haired pretty boy katana wannabes (read: my brother), a sharp object through the stomach will be almost a daily occurrence. Sometimes if your opponent is a total douchebag, they might impale you with your own sword. This has happened to me 3 times in my career. Apparently, the developers have a cruel sense of irony.

In my defense, one of the times was by a girl who resembled my mother because Capcom couldn't be more creative.

Don't worry, though. If you're a half-demon with a fetish for red leather trenchcoats, you're only gonna look that much cooler when you pull the sword out like nothing happened.

If you're a human (and possibly Steve from accounting), you might want to invest in some bandages. Assuming you don't die instantly, that is.

Tip Number 2: Be Wary of Hot Girls.

For all the feminists out there, don't fret. Girls do this job too. It just so happens they're actually quite proficient in it.

If you're like me and feels the need to try and get in their pants, be advised of one thing; you might be getting an ass kicking.

You haven't seen a hot girl until you've seen a hot girl that can take a motorcycle, and toss it at your head.

Also, if a girl with a giant rocket launcher on her back points a gun at your head, as hot as she may be DO NOT hit on her. She might just ventilate your forehead.

If you just happen to run into a succubus, don't hit that. It might just be the last thing you ever do. Instead, beat the living crap out of her (preferably with demonic nunchaku), and then turn her into a guitar. Sure, you can't reach third base with her, but NOW you can get groupies! Dozens and dozens of groupies! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Tip Number 3: BE WARY OF CLOWNS.

Clowns are already creepy as it is. Why do you think you've never seen me go into a McDonald's? No, it's not just because I live in the middle of nowhere. Why the hell would you think that?

It's because the last clown I dealt with tried to open a gateway to Hell, become my father, and ended up turning into a giant blue turd who tried to go Hentai on me.

That's all I'll say about that. Ugh...tentacles.

Tip Number 4: Screw Physics.

When fighting hoards of demons, we don't have time for bullshit like physics. Instead, we need to take a motorcycle and start beating the shit out of them with it. Screw reloading! Reloading is for pussies! Fire off an impossible amount of ammo without fear of running out of bullets, even if there's no logical and probable explanation WHY you do not have to reload constantly. You're a badass. You don't have to load because the guns just acknowledge your badass and reload themselves.

Next time, Part 2, and why blue trenchcoat wearing guys with the same look as me not only show that Capcom's just being lazy, they're also nice to stay away from. No, they did not impale me through the stomach with my own sword. How dare you! I'm too badass for that! 


	2. The Importance of a Backseat Role

Chapter 2: The Importance of Taking a Backseat Role to Enhance Your Already Great Badassery

As some of you know, I was not the lead character in the fourth installment of Devil May Cry 4. Is it because the developers got tired of me kicking ass and taking names? No. Is it because the 2nd installment sucked balls? Maybe, maybe not, since Capcom won't return my phone calls and emails. They'll see what'll happen when the zombie apocalypse comes soon, the bastards. But the main reason I took a backseat role is to increase the badassery that is Dante Sparda!

Yeah, you got Nero and his Devil Bringer. Whoo! A demonic arm that gives a guy that looks like me, but isn't related to me some fancy telekinetic powers and superhuman strength. Sign me up for some of that. Please. I don't give a damn if Capcom didn't pull that same crap that Konami did with Raiden (stupid wuss). This guy's a complete and utter n00b.

So what if he manages to kick ass easier then I can? Hell, look at the stuff I accomplished in the game:

1) Shot an old guy that looked like the Pope in the head.

2) Got to hit on 2 girls with big boobs (AT THE SAME TIME and ONE of them shot me in the head! Rock me Amadeus)!

3) I got STUBBLE. I am a suave silver-haired rugged man. I should be in a goddamn Old Spice commercial. My badassery is now at maximum potential because we all know the bitches love some stubble. Why didn't I stop shaving sooner? I could've gone all the way to FIFTH base with Lady and Trish!

Everyone knows me. I was hitting on girls and getting impaled long before this guy stepped in. Does he have stubble? No. Does he have an awesome red leather trenchcoat? No. Does he hit on girls in every installment except the 2nd one that sucked balls? No, he does not. I hit on a succubus. Then I killed her, and THEN turned her into a guitar that shoots bats and lightning. Do you know awesome that is? Yeah, he gets a girlfriend at the end, but look at her; can't fight at all, gets kidnapped, doesn't try to beat up the lead guy, or shoot him in the head and has NO BOOBS at all. She's like the Princess Peach of the damn story. Wow, Nero, you're a real stud there. Why don't you take your that demonic arm of yours and-

...Well, I can't exactly say that, now can I? The point is, aspiring Devil Hunters, sometimes you gotta take a backseat and grow some stubble, break into a church, and kill some religious fanatics who worship your father to high heaven. Then, you sit back and let a n00b do most of the dirty work for you. Then, you come back and play through the same levels, and fight the same bosses, because Capcom's creativity is getting stretched out thin these days. Hell, just look at Resident Evil 5.

Next Time, Chapter 3: Why the Death of Your Mother is a Good Thing, and Why You Need a Look-Alike of Her.

And remember, no matter how awesome you become, I'm always gonna be more awesome then you can ever hope to be. Get stubble, some bitches, guns, a sword, and a trenchcoat, THEN we'll talk.


	3. Why the Death of Your Mother is Good

Author's Note: More words of wisdom from Dante.

Chapter 3: Why the Death of Your Mother is a Good Thing, and Why You Need a Look-Alike of Her.

I know what some of you are probably thinking. Dante is too much of a badass to love his mommy, right? I'd agree with you, IF SHE WEREN'T DEAD. Jesus Christ, people. You think I WANTED to be a snarky pizza-eating demon hunter? No. Maybe I just wanted to make strawberry sundaes for a living. Why go to Friendly's when you could go to Dante's? Every strawberry sundae comes with a side-order of bullets with a complimentary giant sword! But I can't have that, because my mom got murdered, and because I'm a proud bastard, I had to strap up, grab my father's sword, and teach those damn dirty demons one simple rule: Dante Sparda ain't nothing to fuck with.

Incidentally, this led to me being in jail. Jail is a lot less glamorous than it looks in the movies. And they only have dial-up, the damn savages. Personally, when I look back at it, I probably would've arrested myself. My hair looked so stupid when it was black. What the hell was I going to do with a haircut like that? Start a freakin' boy band? Now, I don't know the entire details about me going to jail, because Capcom hasn't told me, plus they keep ignoring me to send me a free copy of the next Devil May Cry game. They're too busy with Marvel vs. Capcom 3 and milking Street Fighter IV as much as they can. By the way, you know why you play Marvel vs. Capcom 3, besides the fact that it's Marvel vs. Capcom 3? I'm in it, of course! Who wouldn't want to shoot Captain America in his smug prick face? And another thing; why the hell did they make me so hard to use? They gave me every weapon I had in the 3rd game, and they expect me to be at my full kickass potential when you have stupid button mashing n00bs? Although I've confirmed one thing in that game; I am not able to kick my own ass.

Anyways, back to the advice. If you're going to be me, you're going to have to man up and have your mother get killed by demons. And sure, your dad's going to leave you in order to seal the human world and demon world from each other. But you wanted to be a video game badass, didn't you? So you're going to have to strap up and accept the fact that your family will either get horribly murdered, try to kill you, get possessed, or go off to stop some evil, then leave behind their messes for you to clean up. It's like Batman, only instead of being a millionaire with only a butler, a bunch of impractical gadgets shaped like bats, a spandex costume, and questionable interests in young boys, you get a sword, guns, a brother that tries to kill you, an awesome coat, an assortment of weapons made out of your enemies, and your hair turns silver. But not the creepy old man color. The kind of hair color that makes a woman wonder what kind of life you live, so she comes up to you in a bar and gets you drunk enough so you end up proposing to a mop. Thank God I stay out of Vegas.

Now, at some point in your devil hunting abilities, you'll be like me, flat-broke, sitting in my awesome office in the middle of nowhere, and sure, the phone might ring once in a while and you'll have to pick it up like a badass (which means slamming your foot into the table, knocking the phone up into the air, and answering it after you catch it). But sometimes you'll get some customers, ranging from a bald guy with creepy eyes and a face that made him look like he got burned working on an oil rig, to a woman that looks strangely like your mother. And what do you do? You flirt! Haven't you been paying attention? You flirt and she'll end up electrocuting you, impaling you with your own sword, and throwing a motorcycle at your head. That's her way of telling her that she digs you. If you want to get into her pants though, you're going to have to go to an island and stop an unknown evil from destroying the world by opening a gate to the underworld. Hey, no one said this job was easy. You gotta impress the ladies before you show them your sword.

Anyway, that's Chapter 3 for you all. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get drunk enough to propose to a strawberry sundae. I love you strawberry sundaes. When have you ever let me down?


End file.
